How to Tell a Trail Runner from a Road Runner

Building off of the hugely successful post “How to Tell a Trail Runner from a Hipster”, I bring you the next installment.  While I partake in both road and trail running, I confess that I consider myself more of a trail runner.  These are some of the more humorous sterotypes/jokes that I have heard in the past.  They are meant as humor, not to take seriously or be offensive.  So with that, enjoy and, as always, please post new ones to the comments thread.

  1. Road runners can tell you their per mile split pace; trail runners can tell you their per mile elevation gain.
  2. Road runners run for PRs; trail runners run for beer.
  3. Road runners buy matching clothes from a specialty running store; trail runners buy whatever comes in their size from the super discount rack at TJ Maxx.
  4. Road runners use a port-a-potty; trail runners use the hole they just dug off of the side of the trail.
  5. Road runners run hills; trail runners run HILLS!
  6. Road runners run fast; trail runners are glorified hikers.
  7. Road runners manage pain with ibuprofen; trail runners use whiskey.
  8. Road runners stop at crosswalks; trail runners stop for moose crossings.
  9. Road runners use running tights to stay warm; trail runners use body hair.

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How to Tell a Trail Runner from a Hipster

A little bit of humor here.  Many of you may have noticed the striking similarities between trail runners and modern-day hipsters.  Here is a quick guide to help you differentiate between the two:

  1. A trail runner’s trucker hat has sweat stains on it.
  2. Due to the athletic, muscular build of their legs, a trail runner cannot fit into skinny jeans.
  3. A trail runner showers in the creek or with baby wipes; a hipster showers at the YMCA or not at all.
  4. A trail runner drinks whatever beer is available at the finish line, but will wax poetic about craft beers on non-race days.  A hipster will wax poetic about craft beers, but will drink PBR at any given time.
  5. Trail runners use hydration packs or race giveaway bags; hipsters use messenger bags.
  6. A hipster wears actual Ray Bans.  A trail runner wears fakes that cost $2.99 at a gas station (or were a freebie from a race).
  7. A trail runner will have more visible foot blisters/calluses while walking around in his/her Birkenstock sandals.
  8. A trail runner has a well-groomed beard; a hipster has a…who am I kidding, their beards are equally out of control.
  9. Hipsters ride bikes.  You will only catch a trail runner on a bike if they’re cross training or their feet are too swollen from their last 100 to fit into shoes.
  10. Hipsters only eat free range organically grown food. Trail runners eat whatever you put within reaching distance.
  11. Hipsters wear tacky sweaters to make a statement.  Trail runners wear tacky sweaters because they forgot how cold it is on the top of a mountain and that’s all they could find in the abandoned shed.

If I missed any, I would love to read them in the comments!

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